btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
