Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
