Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
