I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
