I'm gonna have a badass scar
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
