im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
