i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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