You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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