I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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