umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
