Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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