Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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