if i can run in heels then i can drive
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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