I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We need to feng shui this bitch.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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