I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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