I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What did we do last night that was yellow?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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