Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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