I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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