Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
