I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
