Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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