if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
