Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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