I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
