omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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