This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
