I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize