look no pants
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
