I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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