what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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