so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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