please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
