I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
