I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
