I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
