I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
my liver is dry heaving
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just puked most of my soul out..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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