This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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