I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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