i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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