I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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