Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
