Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this just has baby written all over it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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