I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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