member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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