sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
