Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
