listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
