it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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