I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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