guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
