omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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