Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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