What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
